


The Cheesecake

by IHaveNotTurnedGOOD (strangeradventuresofswampthing)



Category: Green Wing
Genre: Don't Cook Cheesecakes, F/M, Food Poisoning, Hurt/Comfort, I Have Messed Up A Cheesecake Before, I Really Torture Guy In This One, In Which Sue Nearly Kills Everyone With Her Cooking, Typical Green Wing Insanity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-07 13:38:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19210549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strangeradventuresofswampthing/pseuds/IHaveNotTurnedGOOD
Summary: They should've stuck to Sue White's fruit salad.





	The Cheesecake

I don’t own anything.

 

“Here.” Sue White places a container in Boyce’s hands.

“Statham fries anything, give this to the fucker. Actually, just stick it in his bloody office and then Joanna can have at it and all.” 

“What is it?”

“The reason why I only came in to sort out the rota’s and am going back now and why we’re five doctor’s down today.” She reveals.

“Yeah, haven’t seen Martin, Angela, Mac, Caroline or Guy today. What happened to them?” Boyce raises an eyebrow at her.

“They’re a bit under the weather and that.” Sue points at the container.

“Is the reason why.”

“Which is why when that cunt Statham drives you up the wall again, give him that.” She instructs.

“What happened to the others?”

“I made that and they’re all dying because of it. Speaking off, haven’t got time for chit chat. Gotta get back.” Sue spins around, Boyce hot on her heels.

“I’ll walk with you, we can walk and talk. Tell me.” He practically begs.

“You know, when Mac raised his eyebrow at cooked i probably should’ve realised that I’d fucked it a bit.” Sue sighs, remembering the events of last night vividly.

 

It was a Sunday, the first day of summer and Guy wanted to have their friends over for a meal at theirs.

Originally, it had just been Mac and Caroline.

Yet Mac had told Guy that they’ve got to invite Martin and seeing as Angela is crashing at Caroline’s and has always been friendly with Sue, she’d gotten an invite as well.

Everything was going swimmingly, Guy and Sue handled the cooking between them. 

However, neither of them could decide on what to get for dessert.

Guy just wanted to fake it and buy something from the shops.

Sue had just wanted a fruit salad for dessert and made one.

Guy had been disappointed when he found that all they had was a fruit salad and protested that dessert should not just be fruit.

Which is why, Sue has decided to make a last minute cheesecake.

Figuring that they’d got all the shit they’d need for it and had put a good two hours into it, cheering Guy up, even though sue decided that she would be eating the fruit salad like it or not.

 

It was such a pleasant evening.

Mac, Caroline, Martin and Angela has arrived, each of them bringing a different variety of alcohol with them.

They’d eaten the meal at the table and chatted about their day to day lives.

Cracking jokes and taking the piss out of one another, whilst slowly making their way through all the alcohol and the food prepared.

“Now Sue just wanted us to have a fruit salad for dessert.” Guy had began as they carried the bowl of fruit salad and the cheesecake into the room.

“Because I like it.” Sue glares at him.

“Wanker.” She’d muttered under her breath.

“Yet, I managed to convince her to add something else to the desserts and so she made a cheesecake!” Guy exclaimed,  
revealing the pudding.

“Yeah, made it from scratch, cooked that fucker for over three hours.”

“Hold on, cooked?” Mac had queried.

“Yeah, problem, Macartney?” Sue had fixed him with a glare.

“I didn’t know you could cook them. Thought you just brought them.” He admitted.

“Yeah, well I figured I’d just make one. Made everything else, wasn’t going to cop out.” Sue had said as Mac and Guy had began to dig into the cheesecake along with Caroline, Angela and Martin.

Sue, on the other hand just sat happily eating her fruit salad.

Everything was a okay.

Mac and Guy even had extra helpings of the cheesecake.

 

In the end, they’d continued their bantering through the night and finished off all the alcohol that was brought before Caroline, Mac, Martin and Angela had disappeared to their homes.

On a whole, it had been a very successful day and it gave Sue some faith that she could do this.

She can cook her acquaintances a meal and have a normal evening with them and host it with her boyfriend.

She never thought it could work out but it did and the Scotswoman was rather pleased with herself.

She and Guy had then started to clean the dishes between them and sort his flat out.

However, Guy had left her to it half way through to take a breather.

Lazy fuckwit, Sue had initially thought.

Yet, she’d finished the job, tidied everything away before sitting on the sofa with a nearly finished glass of wine in her hand.

Still satisfied after recent accomplishment, Sue had relaxed back against the sofa.

Which was when the phone started ringing.

It had been Mac and Caroline.

“Have you left something?”

“No!” Mac had hissed before Sue had heard the sound of someone throwing up.

“I knew it. You don’t cook cheesecakes.”

“There was nothing wrong with it!” Sue had snapped.

“Nothing wrong with it? I’m latched onto the fucking sink, Caroline’s wrapped around our toilet. Martin’s in the downstairs bathroom and Angela is in her bathroom! We’re all fucked!” Mac groaned.

“How do you know it was my cheesecake. Could’ve been Guy’s weird fucking Swedish dish!” Sue had retorted.

“You’re fine!” Caroline’s muffled voice could be heard.

“You didn’t eat it because you wanted your fruit salad and I can actually move unlike Mac who had seconds of that poison!” Caroline had moaned before evidently throwing up again.

“Were you trying to kill us?” Mac had questioned.

“Hold on Detective Trodd, Guy’s fine. He’s just fine. Can’t have been my cheesecake because he had the same amount as Macartney did, more so and he is just fine.” Sue has smugly pointed out.

“Where is he?” Mac heaved.

“He’s...” Sue turns around; expecting to see Guy somewhere in the background.

“Oi! Secretan!”

Nothing.

“Where the fuck... that fucker ran from doing the washing up, fuckwit.” Sue had grumbled, taking the phone with her.

“Oi! Wanker, where are you hiding?!” Sue yelled out to him and started to search the flat for him.

When she couldn’t find him in the kitchen or the bedroom or anywhere else, she’d tried the bathroom and had found Guy wrapped around the toilet himself.

“What the fuck did you put in that cheesecake? Did you secretly want to off us all?” Guy had groaned when he’d had to come up for air.

“HA!” Mac’s almost maniacal laughter could be heard from within the phone.

“Told you it was your cheesecake!”

 

“Let me get this straight you nearly killed five doctor’s with a cheesecake?” Boyce’s eyes are wide as Sue finishes her story as she climbs into her car.

“And you’re giving it to me?”

“To use on Statham and Joanna if you need to. It’s your secret weapon now. With great power comes great responsibility.” Sue tells the young doctor.

“Thank fuck you didn’t invite me!” Boyce laughs in relief.

“You’re welcome. Martin said you were busy anyway with an exam.”

“Yeah. Give my best to the others, are they doing alright in general?”

“Ahh, they’ll live. Been dealing with Dr. Secretan all bloody night and morning, doctor’s make the worst fucking patients.” Sue rolls her eyes before climbing into her car.

“Thank you.” He pats the top of the container.

“Use it wisely, young one. Use it wisely.” Sue tapped the side of her nose before driving off.

 

Caroline had phoned just as Sue had entered Guy’s flat.

Just checking in to see how Guy was.

Apparently she and Angela were somewhat starting to recover as they didn’t eat as much of it.

Apparently Martin is still sitting by a bowl and Mac has fallen asleep between the bathroom and their bedroom, still having to wake ever so often to throw more of it up as they had a lot more.

Too tired to curse Sue anymore, Caroline had hung up and Sue had put the phone out of reach.

Heading into the bathroom, Sue winces when she sees Guy curled up on the bathroom floor using the bath mat for a blanket, shivering and looking like shit.

Not even Sue can find it in herself to crack a joke or insult him.

Maybe she even feels a teensy bit bad about it, seeing as she was the one who gave Guy and the others food poisoning.

Sue had sat up in the bathroom with him all night, cracking jokes and the two swore at each other to help Guy take his mind of the fact that the food poisoning is so bad.

Eventually she’d managed to get him into bed, which is where she’d left him before she’d left for work.

Obviously he hadn’t managed to stay there too long.

“Sue? Is that you?” Guy croaks from the floor.

“Yeah, come on, let’s get you back to bed.” She bends down.

“Can’t move.” He whines.

“Yeah, you can. You did it before, you can bloody well do it again.” Sue pats his shoulder.

“Couldn’t stay there.”

“You will this time, I’ll get you a bigger bucket and I’m here now, you’ll be fine, come.” Sue nudges him in an attempt to get him to move.

“Can’t.” He whines.

“Fucking hell, course you can and you’re going to. You need to get up and go to bed, I’ll do what I can for you but I can’t fucking carry you.” Sue sighs, starting to stroke her fingers through his dark curls.

“It should be over in twenty four hours.” He murmurs.

“I know it’ll be fine, I’m a doctor. I can handle this.” He tries to move a little before whining and hitting the floor again.

“Sure about that? You are also a man after all...”

“Men can take the food poisoning!” Guy groans.

“Is that right?” Sue raises an eyebrow at him.

“Yeah of... What the fuck did you do to it? Fuck!” Guy cries weakly, before clutching at the toilet bowl again and shifting so he can throw up in it some more.

Sue winces and takes to rubbing his back in soothing motions as she’d been doing all through the night.

“Oh, honey.” She sighs.

“It was completely unintentional, I swear, just fucked it up a bit.”

“You think?!” Guy shrieks into the toilet.

“I think you’ve nearly fucking taken five doctor’s out with your cooking!”

“I know, I know, I didn’t mean to, honey. I’m sorry.” She does actually apologise to him as he grips onto the toilet.

“I will survive this, I’m a doctor for crying out loud!”

“Who are you trying to reassure. Me or yourself?” Sue questions as he slumps against the floor again.

“No, no, no you’re getting up. Come on, you are not sleeping on the cold marble floor, come on. Fucking move it!” Sue tries to keep him held up a little.

Using all her strength to do so because he is so tall and heavy, especially since he’s basically deadweight at the moment.

“Can’t, what if...”

“Bedrooms literally a few steps away, you’ll be fine. Just hold onto me and start moving.” Sue instructs.

“I don’t want to die!”

“Stop being such a fucking drama king fucking hell, pull yourself together!” Sue hisses at him.

“You’re not going to die.”

“You’d kill me if I threw up on you.”

“Irrelevant because you won’t! You’re literally nearly there, I can see your bed from where I’m sitting now, come on. We can do this, you just need to get up.” Sue sighs, before getting up herself.

“I’ll be back in a sec, I want to see you sitting up when I get back!” She commands and heads to get a big, clean bucket and places it on the bed that she is determined she is going to get Guy into.

They’d already spent the majority of last night on that bathroom floor, for whatever remains of these twenty four hours, Sue knows that they will be sat on the bed.

Not on the cold marble fucking floor.

Fortunately when she returns, Guy is sitting up like she’d commanded and she immediately gets to work on getting him to move.

“Take my hands, come on.” Sue holds her hands out for him to take.

He grips onto them weakly and pulls himself up from the ground, immediately stumbling and Sue wraps her arm around him to steady him the best she can.

“Come on, nearly there. Careful now, my love.” She speaks in a reassuring voice as she helps Guy walk.

“Be quick about it though, I’ll fucking kill you if you throw up on me. Your life won’t be worth living.” She threatens.

“Knew it.” Guy groans but is evidently amused by it.

“Then again, you have tried to kill me with your cheesecake!”

“Shut it, wankpot and keep walking!”

 

Eventually, with a lot of threatening and viciousness on her part, Sue manages to get Guy back into bed.

She’d gotten a few things whilst he was busy sticking his head in the bucket and the second she’d sat herself down, Guy immediately curled up into her.

Resting his head on her lap and curling up into something vaguely resembling foetal position.

“I wasn’t trying to kill you, my love.” Sue starts in a calming voice as she drapes a wet cloth across his forehead.

“If I wanted to kill you I’d have done it more painfully and you’d be well aware of it because there would be blood and I wouldn’t be arsed to drag the others into it and all.” Sue tries to assure him.

“Told you we should’ve just stuck to my fruit salad.”

“Was it to get me back for that comment I made about the fruit salad?”

“No, no do you really think this is how I wanted to spend my day today? No. I didn’t do this to hurt you or anyone, I’d wish this on my worst enemies but not you, never you.” Sue runs her fingers through his wild curls.

“I just need to get rid of all of it and then I’ll live, this will end. I know that, I am a doctor, I know how to deal...”

“You don’t know how to deal with shite!” Sue snorts, continuing to stroke his hair and rub his back comfortingly.

Wanting to provide him with as much comfort as she can to try and ease his suffering somewhat.

It is kinda her fault after all.

“Are the others still alive?” 

“Yeah, pissed at me, obviously, Trodd, Martin and Angela aren’t so bad off seeing as they didn’t have as much of it as you and Mac did, he’s like you. Don’t worry you’re not alone.” Sue sighs.

“I’m not, just glad they’re not dead.” Guy admits meekly.

“Please tell me that you burnt the cheesecake. That you threw it on a rubbish heap, incinerated it?” 

“No. I gave it to Boyce.” Sue replies.

“Why would you? Ahh clever. You’re letting him use it as a weapon against Statham aren’t you, you’re bloody brilliant, sweetheart, so wicked.” Guy chuckles.

“He can also pass it on to you know who as well.” Sue adds.

“Even better!” Guy exclaims as Sue leans down to press a kiss to the top of his head.

Shifting a little, Sue manages to get herself into a comfier position, lying back whilst Guy shifts himself so he’s no longer lying on her lap, but just on her in general, resting his head on her chest, turning his head away from the world and closes his eyes.

Smiling down at him sympathetically, Sue strokes his messy curls some more, keeping him held against her.

Normally she’s completely against this kind of softness.

However, her love is sick and it’s kind of her fault, so he can be as cuddly as he wants to be until he’s past this.

“I just can’t believe that you took out me, Mac, Caroline, Martin and Angela with just one cheesecake.” He muses.

“Never underestimate me.” Sue jokes, pressing a kiss to the top of his head, holding him close.

“I never have and I never will.” He promises her, yawning a little.

“Sleep, honey. It’s alright.” Sue strokes a hand over his hair.

“Seriously, sweetheart.” Guy yawns again.

“Yes?”

“Next time, we’re sticking to your fruit salads.”

Sue smirks at his words.

“That sounds like an excellent plan to me, my love.”

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this was terrible. I'm so sorry about this. I promise I'll stop writing these at some point wow they're bad. Thank you all so much for reading though & please comment if you can. I'd love to hear all your thoughts.


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